SHELDON LEE COMPTON: You’ve been given three pardons you can hand out to death row inmates at your discretion. Choose wisely and let me know who you’re sending home. Oh, and one more thing, they have to live with you for one month when released.
SHANE JESSE CHRISTMASS: The first prisoner is a person called Houston C. Houston C was sentenced for the capital offense of murder relating to a racketeering offense. He has a broken back and wheelchair. He always makes loud, derisive inquiries. Always tries cop Winston cigarettes. He’s addicted to Ibogaine. He told me his last meal request is for eight Coney Island Hot Dogs. He always makes thundering hand gestures. I’d release Houston C so he could stack cardboard boxes and recite football scores to me.
The second inmate I would release would be Rabbit Burton. Rabbit was sentenced for the capital offence of willfully wrecking a train that resulted in death. He is also addicted to Ibogaine. While on death row, Burton wrote the now-classic expose detailing how sea-goddesses didn’t exist. That was pure MK-ULTRA baloney. Oddly enough, Rabbit Burton married a woman called Athena. He met Athena via the Prisoner Pen Pal Exchange. They were married last Spring in the prison chapel. I would release Rabbit Burton because he once told me, that in the rural woods behind the prison, his ghost would come back after his execution, and pull thunder from the sky.
The third inmate I would release is Ronald ‘Ronnie’ Waldcott. He is a scion from the Virginian Waldcotts. Ronnie was sentenced for the capital offense of murder relating to a car-jacking. Ronnie took charge of a 2013 Tesla Model S and drove it to Choudrant, Louisiana. Ronnie wanted to conduct a fifty-year reign of torture; however, he murdered the owner of the Tesla and didn’t begin his reign of torture. Ronnie gets paid $12.00 an hour for running the prison library. I would release Ronnie as he talks about building a compound in South-East Asia for scientific cultish activities. He may or may not be addicted to Ibogaine.
SHEL: You happen to walk around the corner just as this guy is running away from a wall along the sidewalk with a can of spray paint. You see what he’s written on the wall and are given the ability to change one word. You’re in London and the phrase the guy wrote is: “Clapton is God.” What’s your phrase?
SHANE: “I’M NOT GOING TO HURT ANYBODY / TRANSPARENT EYELIDS OF SNAKES / MOST OF THE PARANOIA IS HERE…”
SHEL: Look at the pictures in your wallet. Let’s theorize that you can travel in time through pictures. Choose one picture and describe your trip.
SHANE: Picture #364582384: Living room of the apartment where I grew up. Someone is carrying a tea tray stacked high with biscuits. Another man indicates for me to sit in the chair opposite him. He holds a big roll of currency. I’ve been awake for a few minutes. Brooding fertilised eggs on the pet Pleopod. The physical behaviours between the man holding the tea tray, and the man holding the bag of currency, are different. The man holding the bag of currency hunches over. The man holding the tea tray dribbles saliva and bile on my shoulder. I vomited a couple of hours earlier. It is going to be great. I seriously believe this. I walk onto the balcony. I light a cigarette. This apartment is situated in the city, it is a place of business, but I’ve never been able to work out what they do here.
SHEL: You have to spend the day as either Prince William or Andrew Carnegie. Who do you choose?
SHANE: Prince William has got nothing going for him; well nothing that interests me anyway. Prince William has never hated his work. He’s always tended to his status, or fostered his employment relations, the upper authority, gotten cosy with his boss. He exists to keep productivity up. He’s never compared himself with the other Royals, and then reflected on it. He’s never motor-pooled, or expressed an interest in signalling the stock market, or buying into a business. I’m not familiar with Andrew Carnegie. The separation and departmentalizing of people’s personalities has the police squawking, loud, explaining nothing. I’d rather watch Weekend At Bernie’s.
SHEL: For the next year you’ve been given the green light to roadtrip the entire country. Any other commitments you have will be placed on hold, but you have to figure out how to cover your own travel expense. Take me through that first week.
SHANE: Bowling Balls. Up and down the eastern seaboard going to bowling alleys. Do you know how easy it is to run off with a bowling ball? I’d pinch the balls from various bowling alleys. I would hit up a bowling alley everyday and then travel to the next town. At the next town, I would sell the ball on EBay. It’s a fall safe scam.