I didn’t get it right away or even for a long time. Because it has nothing to do with another person. Not really, anyway.
It’s a longing for a feeling, a longing for a possibility. It’s solace. It’s sentimentality. It’s feeling okay about being human because some things are just so wonderful. It’s about connecting with something. It’s a secret that can make you smile on a crowded commuter train. It’s a secret that hurts because even if you share it you’re the only one who gets it, so sharing it kinda kills it for you. Like it hurts to even think about it because it’s so good, but it’s yours to think about, as long as you can think about it it’s there to make you hurt and wonder.
I like things to be clean. I like a clean apartment. I talk about this a lot but it’s something that’s important to me. I don’t need order, but I need things to be clean.
Being in a clean room is comforting to me and allows me to enjoy the things I do in the room more, helps me concentrate better on the work I’m doing while in the room. I like things the way I like them, I guess is what I’m trying to say. That is the point of all this. Having things the way I like them is comforting to me.
I keep talking about this but it’s something I’m talking about so that I can understand it, and then get bored of it.
I’m a little obsessive. I get obsessed with things, and then move on to the next thing. It can be a problem. I think my friends think I’m normal, like that’s what at least one friend has told me, but I think my obsessions are a problem. I’m kind of okay with them, I like obsessing over things, but not everyone gets it. This is why I like my alone time. Because I can be weirdly obsessive over the things I’m obsessing over at the moment without it being a problem for anyone else. If I want to watch House MD for 6 hours straight, no problem. If I want to sit in silence and listen to Songs Ohia records on my computer, no problem. If I want to stay up all night and write and rewrite a story or collection of poems, no problem. And if I can do these things in my clean room, I can feel okay. I can feel okay about being here.
I didn’t get it right away or even for a long time because I never really gave it space to breathe. And being able to walk around it and see it for all it is or at least what I can see of it but finally see it as a thing, something I can name, something I can better understand and be okay with.
Coping is just trying to be okay with what’s around you. This is all I’ve ever tried to do.
hi this is just day one of #7daysofcoping so please stay tuned for more thank you