SHELDON LEE COMPTON: You wake one morning to find you are the avatar of evil. I know right? There is but one way to appeal this decision. You must write a formal letter to the Creator of Myths and make your case. Let’s see that letter.
You know I don’t accept evil as a concept, but nice try, and my best to the fam.
SLC: Extraterrestrial life forms have finally left the shadows and revealed themselves to us. The only catch is that they will only respond to communication in the form of music videos from the 1980s and 1990s. They visit you as they make rounds, hoping to find out more about the human species. What videos do you choose to communicate your answer?
SLC: Who wins a fight between Dorothy Parker and Gertrude Stein? How and why?
MA: No, I don’t want them to fight. I want them to take up a corner at an overwrought New Year’s Eve party and drink champagne and eat cheese and talk about everyone else at the party, then leave at 11:50 and go for hamburgers.
SLC: You have the opportunity to take part in a medical experiment that will make you 25 percent smarter but the side effect is that you will appear 50 percent less intelligent to people in general. What do you do?
MA: I can’t do long division, but everything is working out. I’ll stay the course.
SLC: The wardrobe to Narnia or the rabbit hole to Wonderland?
MA: I’ve always wanted to eat the little blue cake that makes Alice grow in the movie from 1985. Nothing to do with wanting to grow (I recently found out I’m 5”4, and I always thought I was 5”2, so I’m feeling top form), I just think the cake looks really good.
SLC: For one week you’re given the ability to paint like Picasso, compose like Mozart, and sing like Ella Fitzgerald. How do you make use of this during the course of those seven days?
MA: I’ve always wished I could paint. I’ve been messing around with watercolors lately and the results are horrible. I made a Kermit painting that the Creator of Myths should consider making the avatar of evil. I’ve also always wanted to be a better singer. I’m an OK singer, but being able to really sing seems like a very pure form of power. I’m not so worried about composing, so I would spend the seven days singing while painting still lifes (meat and fish and vegetables).