SHELDON LEE COMPTON: You’re in an alternate universe where instead of presents people give celebrities for Christmas. In fact, it’s not even called Christmas; it’s called Celebmas. Who do you give? Who is on your list?
NATHANIEL TOWER: Well, I think I might start by giving my wife Justin Timberlake and myself Rachel McAdams. Then we’ll all get it on together. We’ll be so busy that I’ll forget to give any celebrities to anyone else. I had planned on giving Kanye West to someone, but I left him wrapped up under the guest bed. Oh, and my dad would’ve gotten Neil deGrasse Tyson, but someone else gave him away first. So I’ll give him Rush Limbaugh two weeks after Celebmas. Oh, and I would also give that lady from Supernanny to my kids.
COMPTON: The dentist accidentally pulled three of your front teeth and you have a reading that evening. You’re ashamed and want to give them a good story about how it happened. What’s your story, you toothless wonder?
TOWER: I was curbstomped by one of those Westboro Baptist asshats in the parking lot on the way into the reading. He said something about my book being the antichrist.
COMPTON: You just discovered that all medicine is nothing more than bullshit placebos, always have been. There’s a huge chance people are going to think you’re just full on crazy, but you have to share the knowledge. What do you do?
TOWER: I head to the five nearest drug stores and buy out their entire stock of meds. I go home and take five pills a minute for the next month, filming every second of it. Then I make it into one of those time lapse videos that always go viral. The soundtrack to my video consists of Placebo’s “Song to Say Goodbye,” “Meds,” and “Bitter End.” When people see how none of that shit has any effect on me, they’ll know the truth. And Placebo will become super popular.
COMPTON: You’re in the white Bronco with O.J. speeding down the freeway. What do you say to him?
TOWER: Dude, why the fuck are we riding in a Bronco? All that money and this is the shit you’re riding in? Whatever. Let’s stop at Arby’s and get some curly fries. And can we drive a little faster maybe? I’m hungry. And how long is this gonna take? I promised my wife I’d be home by 6. Can’t piss off the wife, ya know.