SHELDON LEE COMPTON: It’s Halloween but instead of dressing up in scary costumes, the tradition has changed. Now people dress up in sad costumes. What do you pick for yourself?
LEESA CROSS-SMITH: I’d make a dress out of the saddest stuffed animals from Goodwill. They make me so sad I can’t even go near them. I’d also walk around listening to The Carpenters, because listening to The Carpenters makes me so sad. (I never listen to The Carpenters.) Sheldon, I am getting sad typing this so I am stopping.
SLC: You’ve been hired to develop the latest reality show. You have complete creative control, but there’s one stipulation. The studio demands that Gordon Ramsey be in every episode of the show, even though it has nothing to do with cooking. Tell me about your big reality show idea.
LCS: The reality show is just me and my commentary on the things I read, things I watch. While this is happening, Gordon does all the things I don’t like to do, like dishes and cleaning my glasses and cleaning the bathtub. He goes to the grocery store for me and makes my phone calls and when I need him to cuss and yell at people, he does that for me too. He does all of my shopping because I hate shopping. He never complains or feels taken advantage of because he wants to be helpful and we get along really well. And secretly when the cameras aren’t around sometimes, like in the middle of the night, he grills steaks for both of us but we don’t tell anyone about that part. In the morning, we just pretend like it didn’t happen.
SLC: Pete Rose. Hall of Fame or no? Whatever your choice, convince me.
LCS: I am trying to convince you that I need to talk to Pete about this. I need to see contrition in Ol’ Petey’s eyes and see what kinda energy he has going on in 2015. I don’t know, Pete. I just don’t know.
SLC: There’s a new rule. Every American must have a minimum of ten animals in their house at all times and only one cat and one dog are allowed in the mix. How do you stock your zoo?
LCS: One dog. One cat. One guinea pig. One capybara. One rabbit. Three baby goats. One baby otter in the bathtub. One sloth. Ten.
SLC: You’ve been asked to write the definitive history of rock and roll in one tweet as part of the Condensing American History for the Tech Generation (CAHTG) educational initiative. Let’s see it.
LCS: SEX! SEX! SEX! (and this picture of Robert Plant holding a dove and this video of Jimi Hendrix setting his guitar on fire)
Leesa Cross-Smith is the author of Every Kiss A War (Mojave River Press) and the editor of WhiskeyPaper. Find more @ LeesaCrossSmith.com.
