SHELDON LEE COMPTON: If you could be a dragon, what would you do as one?
JACOB S. KNABB; I’d spew a shitload of fire, all over the place, for a long time. And then once I’d tired of recklessly burning everything in front of me, and assuming this rampant fire-spewing hasn’t resulted in my untimely demise at the hands of a knight or Tomahawk Chopper, I’d fly around thinking about things that make me sad and I’d keep flying and flying and thinking and being sad until something breaks inside of me and I stop wanting to spew fire or be sad. On that day I’d announce my candidacy and begin my presidential campaign.
SLC: You find a book and begin to read and realize pretty damn fast it’s the story of your life. Do you read up until the point in the story where you find the book and stop or keep reading into the future? Explain your decision.
JSK: I would read that book cover-to-cover. People who say they wouldn’t are damned fools lacking in sense and deserving of the random fates coming to them. I would want to know how it all ends and how I get there and see what I could do to make that journey as good as it can be. And of course I’d most likely mess with the plot a little. Add a new character here and cut one there. I like some stories better when I tell them.
SLC: You become so well-known that every single human being on the planet knows who you are. You need privacy and so your press team releases a one-paragraph statement asking for fans to give you space. Write that press release for me.
JSK: Jacob S. Knabb has purchased an island. It is remote and tropical and contains several waterfalls and shimmering pools of water and he intends to bask in those pools and cleanse himself in those waterfalls. He isn’t bringing any of you with him. It’s likely he’ll return to civilization a few times a year and you’ll see him if he wants you to see him and otherwise you won’t. But don’t worry you can still buy his merchandise and enjoy his image in the privacy of your own homes.
SLC: God shows up. He’s all like, “I’m God and I’m tired of turning the lights on and off. Pick one and let’s stick with it.” Do you go with infinity daylight or infinity nighttime?
JSK: Infinity Nighttime.
SLC: Technology has advanced to the point that robots are a commercial reality. To promote this advancement, the government gives everyone the funds to order one custom made robot. What the hell do you do with this offer?
JSK: I get me a robot! I’ve seen all the movies and TV shows. That robot’ll come in handy in times of trouble and may even be witty and charming when life gets dull. My robot and I will drink beer together (because aren’t robots fueled by beer?) and I’ll teach him to play guitar. We’ll start a country band called Harold Ray & the Dixie Cup and we’ll take that shit on the road until we have enough money to buy a tropical island.