Girl dies because she forgot to water her plants, so they forgot to water her.
Girl dies because she was shot by the Swedish Mafia after messing up the Spotify algorithm.
Girl dies from drinking 97 Orange San Pellegrino’s because her blood sugar levels spiked so high that she floated to the moon.
Girl dies from too much heterosexual sex.
Girl dies because she got a tattoo that said “hug me” and she was subsequently hugged to death by a flock of Bernie Sanders supporters in Northeastern Vermont last July.
Girl dies because she asked for a puppy for twenty birthdays and Christmases and all she got was a bearded dragon named Harry.
Girl dies because Snap, Crackle, and Pop jumped out of a Rice Krispies cereal box to tell her that masturbation is illegal in all 48 contiguous United States.
Girl dies after being told that Harriet the Spy is gay, and she was so excited she dropped a bookshelf on her face.
Girl dies because she electrocuted herself while trying to install the sex swing it was reported that Cara Delevingne uses.
Girl dies because Alan Rickman did.
Girl dies because John Mayer is apparently part of the Grateful Dead now, so really, anything can fucking happen.
Girl dies because she tried too hard.
Girl dies because she woke up and remembered that the 2016 election was real.
Girl dies because her SAT scores were higher than she was.
Girl dies because aliens.
Girl dies because Jon Stewart was replaced by Trevor Noah and he’s even FUNNIER.
Girl dies because she was hit by a car and lives when she was rescued by a fleet of flying unicorns that live above the Bermuda Triangle with most of the estranged Illuminati.
Girl dies because she learns that Minerva McGonagall has had multiple lesbian experiences & she wants to be one of them.
Girl dies because the rent is just too damn high.
Girl dies because she lost her Discover Student card in the crack between the Subway and its platform.
Girl dies because she’s 92 ½ now and she’s lived a happy life along the coast of Oregon.
Girl dies because of Dave.
Girl dies because she was somehow alive during the Big Bang.
Girl dies because she is actually a fish and her 8-year-old owner went on vacation to Cape Cod and forgot about her.
Girl dies because she’s spent half of her life waiting for her mom, who is always late.
Girl dies because she has more spam emails than there are people in Manhattan.
Girl dies because she wanted to say I love you but hid in a tree instead.
Sasha Weilbaker graduated from Bucknell University in 2019 with a degree in Creative Writing. A New York native living and working in Oakland, CA, she can usually be found browsing the hummus aise at various grocery stores or petting her cats. On the Internet, she can be found at @sasha_weilbaker on Twitter or @crunchy_chickpeas on Instagram.